Insignificant.

Something's missing. I realized it a little while ago, staring at the computer screen and wondering why I didn't care that I seem to have utterly lost my ability to write. Then I started to wonder why I didn't care that yet another guy I started to have feelings for doesn't return them. Then I started to wonder why I don't feel anything at all.

Surely it should matter to me that the only aspect of my life that I feel is continually worthwhile should be disintegrating before my eyes. That something that felt as effortless as breathing should be so difficult now. That words seem completely meaningless. Junk invented by the human race to make sense of something that doesn't make sense, shouldn't make sense, because in the long run, it doesn't really matter.

Surely it should matter to me that I always like the wrong ones, the ones who don't matter in the long run. But I don't. When I realized I didn't care, I thought for a minute, is it because I didn't actually care about him? Or do I really just not care that yet again I'm disappointed? But, no, I did like him, in that high school girl way that doesn't mean anything. Then I realized that love never means anything. There's no place for love in the universe, just life. So I guess it's a little of both. I don't really care.

Surely it should matter to me that I feel nothing right now; not fear, though there's plenty of reason for it, between college applications and being essentially homeless for the last semester of my senior year, not sadness, though any normal girl would feel sad as boy after boy plays with her heart and then runs away. I should feel used, based on what I'm starting to figure out about a few of them. I should feel upset, hurt, something, because every illusion I've built up has been steadily crashing down around my ears since this year began. Friends aren't real, adults don't care, parents don't have time, and the things that meant the most to me don't mean anything at all. I should be screaming, crying out in pain, but I don't feel pain. I feel nothing.

I feel numb.

It's my birthday!!!!

whoop-de-doo.

What is the point of summer vacation?

Just a question.

We spend, oh, between 8 and 9 months out of the year in school, once you take away perhaps a month of days off/winter break/spring break/etc. Then we have 3 straight months of no school, in the hottest part of the year, during which we mainly sit around the house like slugs. Of course, that may just be my family, but it seems to be many of my friends as well. About 2 weeks into this we start getting bored. By the time school returns, some people are actually ready for it. That or they just feel like they wasted the entire thing.

That's kind of how I'm feeling right now. Over a month in, and I've done a grand nothing this summer. Nothing. I feel like a complete waste of space. it's ridiculous. Who spends their summer without having at least one dramatic escapade?

I could be crazy, of course. It's possible. Maybe even likely. But I'm curious: Why don't we, I don't know...have half a month less of summer, and spread it throughout the year? Have two months of summer, and have three day weekends? Have 2-week vacations spread throughout the entire year?

Logic doesn't play a role in determining school issues, I think.

2 A.M. First Post

I know it won't say 2 A.M. I really don't care right now.

I finished several chapters of my book this week. The solitude was lovely, in some ways; in others, it was maddening. It's strange what a social disconnect can do to give you energy.

I should sleep right now. It just feels rather like missing the point to set up this blog, spend time making it nice and pretty, and then go to bed without posting anything.

Thought: Even on the internet, it is possible to seem remarkably stupid while saying nothing at all. Condemnation via silence.

I.E., midnight ramblings--much like this one.

Must I go on?

That's it. Off to bed go I, lest I sink into the oblivion that is the internet.

There now. I just wasted one whole minute of your time. I feel so fulfilled, in an evil sort of way.

Night.