Tightrope

Step out, my unwilling feet
cut by a rope like a knife's edge, like
atonement, like bloody
karma. Take one step and cry out
why oh why, not me, it couldn't possibly
be me. Beg for mercy-
please oh please make it stop make it stop,
I'll do anything, sex or money or drugs,
just please make it stop, make this pain
stop.

Here they come, Eves bearing seductive sallies
against my slippery strength; soft winds sighing
sweet promises
as answers to my desperate pleas.
They come tearing,
ripping at my white throat, they come
with whispered screams of Let go,
don't be scared, it's alright
to fall, no one will catch you but
oblivion is sweet after all
it's alright, you can
fall.

A descent that can only wind up
in tears and heartache (mainly my own)
but is so uncomplicated; give in once
and fear is banished.
Easy to begin, and, in the end, to finish-
No problem there, with keen silver and white
pills, red ones to smile and
blue ones to slip, so many choices-
but no, not my option, not my
choice.

Rainy sight, wipe away this ridiculous
eye-water, grind molars, take another step. Flinch
because all pain is created equal
and despite the romatinc idea that my creator has cared enough
to give me life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness
society and my subconscious
have deemed inalienable rights alienable.
Impossible to succeed under these conditions,
impossible to win, but still I can't
fail.

Step after step, the taut rope
slick with my own crimson. It would be
a simple thing now, to all, to fail, the difference is only I-
much harder to stay on
and let the constant cord slice my sole
through red lust to white purity.
A choice between sweet failure
and painful, questionable success
And always looming, the ever present question:
Why?

Don't ask questions, you
might not like the answers, if there is one
or a few. Are you afraid of the dark?
I am, I am.
Keep from oblivion, then, keep from
falling, failing. It amounts to the same thing, so
forget this delicate agony and take the next step.
Keep moving, have to keep moving.
Don't fall off the tightrope-
hold on.

Long Time No See

God I'm tired. Usually I would start with something a little more theatrical, but not today. Today I'm just dog-freaking-tired.

I'm ready to start over. College...less than a week and I start. Tonight I spend my first night in a dorm.

I've been putting together my blog on the "college experience"...kind of designing it as a social experiment. I've got my first few writings already, i.e., intro, why the hell am I going to A&M, and the beginnnings of why the hell was I ever upset about going to A&M (otherwise known as: how fish camp changed my life).

So ready for this. My idiocies of the past are somehow wiped clear...here's to hoping I don't replace them. Knowing me, of course, I probably will, but whatever. That's where the "youth and ignorance" part comes in.

I got a guitar for graduation a few days ago, maybe a week. My parents are freaking amazing, it's a nice little Yamaha. I've got a "Guitar for Dummies" book as well and two people who will possibly help me out with the learning part (one of whom I have to find by being a creepy almost-stalker since the facebook he gave me isn't coming up under the search, and one of whom I can't tell if he's joking or not when he says I have to pay him. Like I have money...what a laugh.) In any case I'll be torturing myself until I can do this acceptably. I have GOT to start getting my music onto paper, or it's going to make me insane even faster than Finale does. So, here I go, again, on my own...

Is that all? Probably not. Definitely not. But it's not like this thing is my diary, just a running commentary by one youthful ignorant chick who'd like to get something right once in a while. Not to sound depressing or anything, I'm actually pretty happy right now. Content. Content's a good word. I'm content. It's a nice feeling, and a really nice change.

My opinion, as always. I'm going to work some more on my other blog, I suppose...it seems redundant to say too much about college on here when my entire other site is about college life.

Thought: when several faces are on the same foundation, they meet at the seams. The problem is determining where those seams are, and what shape they will take.

Ah, well. Not a question for me to ponder in the state of exhaustion I am in. Metaphors aside, my life seems too nutty to compartmentalize well at 11:30 at night after 4 days of way more physical activity than I am used to.

I'll ponder tomorrow. Night.

the good thing about endings

they are also beginnings.

life always looks a little better from the other side of the hill.

so let's end the past life, and start over. Once this freaking year is over, of course.

Bon Voyage

Insignificant.

Something's missing. I realized it a little while ago, staring at the computer screen and wondering why I didn't care that I seem to have utterly lost my ability to write. Then I started to wonder why I didn't care that yet another guy I started to have feelings for doesn't return them. Then I started to wonder why I don't feel anything at all.

Surely it should matter to me that the only aspect of my life that I feel is continually worthwhile should be disintegrating before my eyes. That something that felt as effortless as breathing should be so difficult now. That words seem completely meaningless. Junk invented by the human race to make sense of something that doesn't make sense, shouldn't make sense, because in the long run, it doesn't really matter.

Surely it should matter to me that I always like the wrong ones, the ones who don't matter in the long run. But I don't. When I realized I didn't care, I thought for a minute, is it because I didn't actually care about him? Or do I really just not care that yet again I'm disappointed? But, no, I did like him, in that high school girl way that doesn't mean anything. Then I realized that love never means anything. There's no place for love in the universe, just life. So I guess it's a little of both. I don't really care.

Surely it should matter to me that I feel nothing right now; not fear, though there's plenty of reason for it, between college applications and being essentially homeless for the last semester of my senior year, not sadness, though any normal girl would feel sad as boy after boy plays with her heart and then runs away. I should feel used, based on what I'm starting to figure out about a few of them. I should feel upset, hurt, something, because every illusion I've built up has been steadily crashing down around my ears since this year began. Friends aren't real, adults don't care, parents don't have time, and the things that meant the most to me don't mean anything at all. I should be screaming, crying out in pain, but I don't feel pain. I feel nothing.

I feel numb.

It's my birthday!!!!

whoop-de-doo.

What is the point of summer vacation?

Just a question.

We spend, oh, between 8 and 9 months out of the year in school, once you take away perhaps a month of days off/winter break/spring break/etc. Then we have 3 straight months of no school, in the hottest part of the year, during which we mainly sit around the house like slugs. Of course, that may just be my family, but it seems to be many of my friends as well. About 2 weeks into this we start getting bored. By the time school returns, some people are actually ready for it. That or they just feel like they wasted the entire thing.

That's kind of how I'm feeling right now. Over a month in, and I've done a grand nothing this summer. Nothing. I feel like a complete waste of space. it's ridiculous. Who spends their summer without having at least one dramatic escapade?

I could be crazy, of course. It's possible. Maybe even likely. But I'm curious: Why don't we, I don't know...have half a month less of summer, and spread it throughout the year? Have two months of summer, and have three day weekends? Have 2-week vacations spread throughout the entire year?

Logic doesn't play a role in determining school issues, I think.

2 A.M. First Post

I know it won't say 2 A.M. I really don't care right now.

I finished several chapters of my book this week. The solitude was lovely, in some ways; in others, it was maddening. It's strange what a social disconnect can do to give you energy.

I should sleep right now. It just feels rather like missing the point to set up this blog, spend time making it nice and pretty, and then go to bed without posting anything.

Thought: Even on the internet, it is possible to seem remarkably stupid while saying nothing at all. Condemnation via silence.

I.E., midnight ramblings--much like this one.

Must I go on?

That's it. Off to bed go I, lest I sink into the oblivion that is the internet.

There now. I just wasted one whole minute of your time. I feel so fulfilled, in an evil sort of way.

Night.