Insignificant.

Something's missing. I realized it a little while ago, staring at the computer screen and wondering why I didn't care that I seem to have utterly lost my ability to write. Then I started to wonder why I didn't care that yet another guy I started to have feelings for doesn't return them. Then I started to wonder why I don't feel anything at all.

Surely it should matter to me that the only aspect of my life that I feel is continually worthwhile should be disintegrating before my eyes. That something that felt as effortless as breathing should be so difficult now. That words seem completely meaningless. Junk invented by the human race to make sense of something that doesn't make sense, shouldn't make sense, because in the long run, it doesn't really matter.

Surely it should matter to me that I always like the wrong ones, the ones who don't matter in the long run. But I don't. When I realized I didn't care, I thought for a minute, is it because I didn't actually care about him? Or do I really just not care that yet again I'm disappointed? But, no, I did like him, in that high school girl way that doesn't mean anything. Then I realized that love never means anything. There's no place for love in the universe, just life. So I guess it's a little of both. I don't really care.

Surely it should matter to me that I feel nothing right now; not fear, though there's plenty of reason for it, between college applications and being essentially homeless for the last semester of my senior year, not sadness, though any normal girl would feel sad as boy after boy plays with her heart and then runs away. I should feel used, based on what I'm starting to figure out about a few of them. I should feel upset, hurt, something, because every illusion I've built up has been steadily crashing down around my ears since this year began. Friends aren't real, adults don't care, parents don't have time, and the things that meant the most to me don't mean anything at all. I should be screaming, crying out in pain, but I don't feel pain. I feel nothing.

I feel numb.