Tightrope

Step out, my unwilling feet
cut by a rope like a knife's edge, like
atonement, like bloody
karma. Take one step and cry out
why oh why, not me, it couldn't possibly
be me. Beg for mercy-
please oh please make it stop make it stop,
I'll do anything, sex or money or drugs,
just please make it stop, make this pain
stop.

Here they come, Eves bearing seductive sallies
against my slippery strength; soft winds sighing
sweet promises
as answers to my desperate pleas.
They come tearing,
ripping at my white throat, they come
with whispered screams of Let go,
don't be scared, it's alright
to fall, no one will catch you but
oblivion is sweet after all
it's alright, you can
fall.

A descent that can only wind up
in tears and heartache (mainly my own)
but is so uncomplicated; give in once
and fear is banished.
Easy to begin, and, in the end, to finish-
No problem there, with keen silver and white
pills, red ones to smile and
blue ones to slip, so many choices-
but no, not my option, not my
choice.

Rainy sight, wipe away this ridiculous
eye-water, grind molars, take another step. Flinch
because all pain is created equal
and despite the romatinc idea that my creator has cared enough
to give me life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness
society and my subconscious
have deemed inalienable rights alienable.
Impossible to succeed under these conditions,
impossible to win, but still I can't
fail.

Step after step, the taut rope
slick with my own crimson. It would be
a simple thing now, to all, to fail, the difference is only I-
much harder to stay on
and let the constant cord slice my sole
through red lust to white purity.
A choice between sweet failure
and painful, questionable success
And always looming, the ever present question:
Why?

Don't ask questions, you
might not like the answers, if there is one
or a few. Are you afraid of the dark?
I am, I am.
Keep from oblivion, then, keep from
falling, failing. It amounts to the same thing, so
forget this delicate agony and take the next step.
Keep moving, have to keep moving.
Don't fall off the tightrope-
hold on.